Breast Cancer,  Uncategorized

What Does it All Mean?

It’s hard to jump in and start writing again, when for whatever reason it has been, you have not done it in a while.  But, writing has been a constant in my mind these past few days, so apparently these fingers have something they want to share.  (Well that and my goal – perhaps a late resolution – is to be much more consistent and I am starting here!)

My two year “cancerversary” came and went last month.  It is so strange to think that two years ago I called my husband telling him, “it’s cancer” and his response back was, “I’ll be home as soon as I can” and falling into his arms when he walked through the door.  Even then, before we even knew what was happening, his words were “We’re going to beat this.”  I don’t know if I have ever told anyone that particular piece of information before.

Because that date comes rolling around every year, and try as you might, your brain will not let go of the fact that it bears a significant importance.  Which honestly is both a good and bad thing.  Bad of course because your anxiety rises, and depression tries to sneak in, and all the “what-if’s” try to raise their ugly little heads too.

It’s hard to find the good among the bad; but once I did I’ve been trying to hang out there more.  Unfortunately, you do have to cross through the bad to get to the good, and because the bad raises memories and questions and thoughts; many of them you don’t want to explore; many don’t make it through the muck and mud.  However, I have found that if you are persistent and forge forward, some wonderful things can and have happened.

Take for example why I haven’t been writing.  As far back as I can remember, there have been some true loves of mine (well other than my husband, daughter, and my “worthless dog” as he is called – but just wait till you see his face!) and I never had the courage to pursue them.  Writing has always been a huge love; photography maybe even huger (is that even a word?); and then being creative.

I wasn’t particularly picky about the creative part.  I knit, crochet, sing, play piano, play flute, color, arts and crafts; and love to make people laugh (yes, that is creative and no you don’t want to test me on that).  🙂  Yet, with the exception of making people laugh, I never put forth a large or consistent amount of effort in to any of them.  Instead I spent my life comparing myself to others. This person writes way better or is way funnier; or that photographer is incredible – I’ll never be as good as that.  Or my favorite excuse, what makes what I do so special?

I’d be a rich woman if I could be paid for every time in my life I spent comparing myself to others.

Wallowing around in all the what-if’s though; I have come to the realization that it must be human nature, because I am pretty confident everyone, at one point or another in their life, has compared themselves negatively to someone else.  (Bear with me – I’m pulling this all together I swear!)

So the good of wallowing in the bad, is realizing that it is okay to do things even though someone else may be better.  Thinking negatively and comparing ourselves to others may be in our DNA, but as humans we have the ability and the where-with-all to overcome it and we truly can be whatever we want to be.

Being a cancer survivor has taught me many things. Primarily that every single one of us is on a different journey and we have been given different talents, loves, and interests.  And while other people may be on top of that large mountain you have yet to climb; there are others behind you starting a similar journey to yours.  They haven’t hurdled the hurdles, or battled the battles, or started the climb; but your talents, your loves, your interests may be just the thing they need to wallow through the muck and the mud of the bad things in their life.

I can’t say that I know what it all means yet, but I do know that the good of my journey is reconnecting with what fills my soul; and by doing that, I know I am helping someone else to fill theirs as well.

Until next time, capture life kreatively!


At 50 years old I was diagnosed with Triple Negative Breast Cancer. I am currently NED (no evidence of disease), and trying to spend every day reviewing the world through the new lens I wear as a breast cancer survivor.

One Comment

  • Brandy

    Congratulations. Your diagnosis story literally brings tears to my eyes, makes me cold all over and gives me goose bumps. Your strength is incredible. Thank you for sharing this personal story.

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