Breast Cancer,  Life After Cancer,  Uncategorized

Look for the Silver Lining…. Seriously?

Yesterday was a gorgeous day for Central Minnesota.  In between the intermittent rain showers that popped up seemingly out of nowhere, it was a great day to be outside.  Plus, since I had raked out my flower beds earlier in the week, and left the piles just lying around because I had reached my limit, I figured it was time to finish the raking.  (And if Rodney tries to tell you anything different – he’s lying.  Just putting that out there.)
I have absolutely no idea, and this may be heading into TMI (too much information) so you may want to tread carefully, but ever since chemo I am now a sweater.  No, not the kind you wear over a shirt (or what you wear for the “perfect date” – movie reference anyway?).  The running down your face, dripping in your eyes, shirt attaching to the small of your back kind of sweat.  Prior to chemo, I never sweat.  EVER.  Now I have to wear a headband to be outside, otherwise I’ll end up with salt in my eyes.  (Why did the song “There are tears in my beer ‘cuz I’m crying for you dear” just come to mind?)
So, because headbands generally fall off my head, I pulled out one of my head wraps from bald headed chemo days and out I went.  Which brings me to my point.  Well kind of.
While I was raking and pulling weeds, I had time to spend copious amounts of quiet time perusing great and imaginative thoughts.  You know, the solving the world’s problems kind of thoughts.  Like, what we were going to have for dinner, and what task should I do next?  Those kind of thoughts.
When one popped in to my mind that made me stop and think.  What could be so breathtaking that it would make me stop and think?  “Well, at least I can use these head wraps for a positive reason.”  Wait, what?  Was I seriously thinking that there was something positive to be taken from being diagnosed with cancer?  Seriously?  How?  I didn’t ask for this journey; and it’s a crap one too if I don’t mind saying so.  Doctors keep telling me that chemo did not have anything to do with the chronic pain and muscular issues I constantly go through every day; but you cannot tell me that chemo did not accelerate the process any.  Well you can tell me, but I probably won’t believe you.
I don’t know about you but when I was diagnosed I heard this a lot, “It could be much worse”, “You are young”, “You are in good health” (well other than I have breast cancer but okay), “You are strong” (I hated this one.  Yes, I am strong, but in the moment it just doesn’t seem like much.), and others I cannot think of right now.  A lot of positivism for at an exceptionally crappy time.
So when the thought popped in to my head that at least I could get some positive use out of the head wraps, it really did catch me by surprise, because I have not (up to this point anyway) been one to encourage someone to see the positive of their journey.  I mean if you do, great!  Will I promote acceptance?  Absolutely.  Will I promote compassion?  Heck yes, especially for yourself.  Would I promote positivism?  Nope, nada, not a chance.
Until now.
In three (that’s 3 y’all!) days I will be two years post chemo.  July will be my 2 1/2 year cancerversary (yes that IS a thing).  While I would like to say that I don’t think about this everyday I do.  I may not wake up with this being my first thought, but I can reassure you that I think of cancer at least once per day… if not more.  And it’s occurred to me that if I am going to think of something that often throughout the day, perhaps I should start looking for the positives, in any way I can.
Someone told me a few months back that some people go down certain journeys because their souls need to be cleansed.  Yeah, no.  Don’t try and tell me a newborn baby needs their soul cleansed when they are born with a disadvantage, whatever that may be.  I will agree, though, that after the main part of the journey is done, then, perhaps then, we need to wipe our souls clean.  And please – before you go off on a bender – I am not saying anyone deserves illness or asked for it.
What I am saying, is that with any type of illness or sadness, because we are designed to care and love for others, our souls get dinged up.  The harder the journey, the more dings.  But if we can take those negative dings, and make them into a positive, not because someone told us too, but because we truly feel and believe it ourselves, perhaps those negatives will become positive dents.
It’s not easy, and it’s a process.  However, for the moment I will rejoice in the fact that I actually thought of a “positive” not because I had to, but because I wanted to, and celebrate that accomplishment!!
Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go celebrate tackling my to do list!! (Another positive!  Actually making a list and getting things done!)
Until next time;

Capture YOUR Life Kreatively!

P.S.  Have you been able to discover a positive because you wanted to, not because you had to? If so, post a comment below – I’d love to hear from you!
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At 50 years old I was diagnosed with Triple Negative Breast Cancer. I am currently NED (no evidence of disease), and trying to spend every day reviewing the world through the new lens I wear as a breast cancer survivor.

One Comment

  • Brandy

    I have to admit that during life’s ‘moments’ I do not always have the most positive outlook or reactions but there have been threads and moments weaved throughout my life that I have conquered he positivity mantra and have been thoroughly impressed with the impact.

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